THE CRYSTAL LADY'S

 

Humor Page

 Author unknown but certainly has some funny items.
Titled Darwin Awards.

 When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
 
. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
 
 After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in t he register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[ If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed? ]

. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.

  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

Some Random Thoughts  I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you can still have something on the ball  but you are just too tired to bounce it.  I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."  I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older   -- then it dawned on me that they were cramming for their finals.  You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, you have a cat."   Just once I would like to say, "No, its for the company."  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use -- Perhaps toothpicks?  Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, "A good doctor."  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailman cold look for them while they delivered the mail?  I thought about being rich and it doesn't seem to mean so much.   Just look at Henry Ford -- all of those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.  If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?  Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?  I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it.   There are plenty of more ribs where you came from."  I have decided that nostalgia is just the VCR of our minds.  I asked, "Where is Charlie."  They answered, "Over the hill."   I yelled, "Come on back, Charlie."  There was no answer.   I thought, "Damn, I think he likes it over there."

 

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